damn. life just refuses to stop for anything at all.
and tool is so damn good. that is one band i for SURE discovered very late.
"listen to my muscle memory"
that concept of muscle memory fits all too well with this month...
and i just had to let go of the one geography and timing had to deny me the current chance of possibly having something...
but
life keeps happening.
"why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start things over."
this past 24 hours has, of course, been nothing less.
than usual.
long morning ride to work. ate a qing cai bao zi that was more bao than zi. [yes, i have said this to myself in my head more than once while eating the ones from that particular place]
milk tea with not enough coconut bits in it and chocolate milk from a bag.
fell dead asleep in the front seat listening to the static on the radio that was just above a whisper.
wrote until my hand cramped copying shit so i could try to memorize it on the train tomorrow.
emptied the erroneous wet glue from the paint bottles. the ayis cannot think that i am ENTIRELY insane. they giggle at me. they try to talk with me. do their best to try to understand my shattered chinese. they know that i knit a lot. they do, too.
shopped for lunch after taping together blue paper and making a calendar. i so wanted just the veggies from Ajisen-our noodles are psychotically overpriced-Ramen...but they appear to have a new menu, and my veggies aren't on it.
wandered about in carrefour. settled on some kind of food-stuff with the boiled cabbage you get with the noodles. dissappointingly bland choice.
fended off max. felt bad about it. but i didn't want to talk to him. i didn't have anything to say and didn't want to be asked the same questions as always and told the same things.
peeked around the e4 website. i really enjoyed watching skins. i think i will have to have another go more slowly and look forward to finding the second season.
thought about someone.
finished marking up the calendar.
went back to carrefour and wandered about looking for several different kinds of brushes. i think that the computer cleaner brush will be interesting for them to paint with.
rearranged a lot of paint. i enjoyed that.
if only tracy would get more of a clue.
i don't think that i would care to work at such a brand new place ever again unless it is my own new place.
left late. even though i asked in the morning if we could please leave on time because i was supposed to meet someone at 7. sent him a message at 5:15 [15 minutes "late" even though we are supposed to leave at 4:30] to push it back.
fell asleep in the car again.
having dreams in a car[s...as there is quite a vareity of them] 2--4 times a week is bizarre.
having the effed up dreams that i normally have made even more looney by being in a travelling car is...something else.
got home to my roommate and her roommate watching some weird american movie that i believe could be a recent as coming out next week or as long ago as a year.
too a disappearing-water pressure-but-hot-shower. dried. clothed. wore my little blue-flowered shoes [and now have 2 or 3 blisters on my left foot to remind me of how long is has been that i have neglected my poor pretty shoes] to go meet an acquaintance.
he met me with a bottle of wine in a very pink bag.
i had thought that we had agreed to meet for dinner. he asked me if i had eaten mine, and i said, no, i just got home half an hour ago.
he doesn't tell me that he ate an hour and a half before.
so i don't know that it would have been fine for me to say, no problem, i will eat later, or, i'm hungry, you want to sit with me while i eat.
so we go to some commercial, but all in hanzi noodle joint. well, there was rice, too, but my defectiveness cannot allow too much eating of rice. and i honestly do not know what my lunch was completely made of. i suspect a little white culprit.
i find out that he has eaten already.
he apologizes too many times.
things lag more.
sweet man...but.
i think of someone for about the 6th time today.
we go to the movie theater next door. i giggle and remark at the fact that i own and have seen 3 of the 4 western movies advertised. he brings to my attention what is apparently the 2nd of some nick cage movie. i don't recall having interest in the first...but whatever.
he buys tickets. i suggested seeing a chinese movie as i didn't care about seeing becoming jane a third time yet, nor atonement twice in one week.
we wait for the theater to open for our movie. he flips through a movie ad booklet on the table. he points out atonement to me in it. tells me this is what he bought tickets for.
i am pshysically unable to raise one eyebrow.
good movie, yes, but i saw it MAYBE 5 days ago. and while it is good, one of the characters really got me riled.
he apologizes profusely again. goes to change them to something else.
he comes back. it lags some more. i try. keep trying.
i just feel pretty blank about it all.
sweet. well-intentioned.
but nothing stirs.
we go in. words like, 'director,' 'produer,' etc. are translated into english, as is the title, though it uses a V for U.
but whent he movie begins there are no subtitles. which i had suspected. sometimes they say there will be none, and there are. sometimes they say that there will be none...and behold, there are none.
this time there were none.
i liked picking out words. i can understand more than i could one year ago. not much more...but "it does not matter how slowly you move as long as you keep moving forward."
it was a family mimi kind of movie.
about 20 to 30 minutes in, i look over and notice that my acquaintance is asleep. curious...but uh...okay.
i continue watching.
he startles. looks a little strange.
i ask if he is okay. he says his stomach hurts. i ask if he wants to go. he says no.
[we are sitting against the wall 8 seats in...and here i glow in the dark...]
he doubles over for a bit.
i continue watching.
i mentally prepare to crawl over 6 people.
we get out, i encourage him to get in a cab and go home and go to sleep so that he can be okay-hopefully-for his driver's test tomorrow.
i walk home in my cahoots hoodie and my pretty little blue-flowered heels.
i come home to my roommate and her roomate watching something. no one says anything to me...i have nothing to say.
i peel off my tights and put on my curtain pants. peel off my long white shirt and put my hoodie back on. crawl all over my bed, roll a true white chick--that would be a white boy without the tobacco--and commence to watching two extremely good movies.
i left out the phone call while messing with the paint. he said he had heard. that he doesn't think that i should be staying home so much. that now he had to go into a meeting but that he would call me again.
this person that i told what happened in a phone message and got no reply. a message where i actually used the words "need" and "friend."
this person who had a birthday night out and i found out that it existed from someone else after the fact on a night when i had gone out hoping to find some people
[even though i was with a person...but at that time needed more than one]
[even though i did come across CiCi who sang me a song putting BOTH my names here in it, even though he is not all about people taking chinese names]
and didn't find anyone that i felt i needed to find.
this person telling me that he doesn't want to have to worry about me. don't make him worry.
i don't know yet.
and i keep thinking about someone.
forgot long enough to want to play particular, specific music.
then i remembered that he was the one that brought my attention to them.
how cool that he did.
i feel like unfinished...and unstarted...conversations with him linger in the air.
moving
around to the other side of the world.
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