china has way gotten into me and then some. but what would i even be were it not for being here?
a friend recently postulated to me ides coming forth from the physics community. a lot of what he conveyed to me through his own laymans' terms made sense. granted, i have yet to hear them in their original form, so i surely cannot pass them on at the moment. i hope to spread them someday if they turn out to be at all what i think i understood.
had my first brit the other night. funny how people will totally gun for me, but after they quite drop off. i'm generally not so bothered. wasn't this time either. just by the colombian in the recent past.
wouldn't have been nearly so bothered had he not so unnecessarily disguised his intent. that's really what pissed me off. and it was so grossly not needed that his actions and words became simply disgusting and insulting. it's a shame that he had to show at the same place i've never been to before tonight.
at least with the med brit there was very lovely convo and lots of laughs fore and aft.
and i was so extremely sober. had drinks and other puffs. but was quite clear-headed. somehow made it a bit nicer. even the anticipation was a bit clearer and made it somehow that much more comfy. even at my enlargened state.
20 pounds in just a few months. damn. my poor little body. didn't know what the fuck to do with so many changes. my poor addled brain still hasn't quite caught up.
and it's february to boot.
cry two tears in a bucket, fuck it
or some such thing.
still rather terrified about going back. the louevil can tend to be a bit too tight. but it really has been poignently long (one thing i just can't autospell correctly).
still stupidly, pointlessly, unsatisfyingly pining. it would be lovely to have him out of my head. sadly realized that his face was in front of my inner eyes both when alone and then the next night with someone else in front of them. a song from the weepies and two from adele keep ringing in my internal ears.
it's almost grotesque how it won't go away.
before the holiday, i thought maybe distance would do. but no. then again, seeing him in the interim, while it was much desired, didn't help in the end. but still.
maybe if there are months or years in between face-to-face it will leave me.
nothing else will do. i want it to. i've tried. it's only gotten deeper. and i kind of abhor it. i certainly don't want to feel this, feel like this.
crap.
i need to work harder. but it's the writing that's biting me so much. THIS is how i essentially blog. stream of consciousness junk that i am quite sure next to no one actually reads. maybe i have a secret wish that someone will, but really that only manifests from a wish that someone will actually eventually care at all about what goes on in my head.
highly unlikely--based on previous experience--so i turn to vague bits of cyberspace and non-promotion.
at least there will probably always be big sunglasses.
No comments:
Post a Comment