blah blah blah

time is going too slowly and too quickly at the exact same time. i had to go to hong kong a couple of weeks ago to get a new visa. it was totally all last minute and wiped out what little money i had. thankfully that part is all over.

unfortunately, they would only give me a 30-day visa. so now i have to try to get it extended here in hangzhou...which of course means that i have to pay YET AGAIN.

i am crossing my fingers that it will go through. i just need one to let me stay here until i go back to louisville in a little less than 2 months...where hopefully i can fill out the papers correctly and get my diploma and school records...and then hopefully be able to get a work or resident visa. i am tired of this bs.

i keep finding new things here.

neo is still on my mind a lot...though i have not speant any time alone with him in well over a month...maybe even well on its way to being 2 months.

i did randomly get to see him over the weekend...and then again randomly last night.

i had sent him a message just saying that i still miss him. he sent me one back and then called, asking when i wanted to see him. i was rather surprised...but happy.

ended up going to In Club because he said that he was there. kind of ditched antonia a bit...i took her with me to In, but when she wanted to go to reggae, i told her that i was staying.

antonia is mostly sweet...and i know that she means well...but at the same time, i have discovered that she just drives me fucking nuts. she is SO needy and clingy...and she doesn't really think. which friday night bordered on creating an incredibly obnoxious, unnecessary situation. i do not want to constantly have to baby-sit anyone that i hang out with.

i think that while i occasionally crave close friends...i will always be a loner at heart. i do not want to have to keep track of other people when i go out. they should be able to do their own thing. i mean, shit, if i am going to the bar to get a drink in a place that is incredibly fucking crowded, and your drink is full...don't follow me to the bar! it is unnecessary and ridiculous...i mean, i will be back in all of five minutes! sheesh!

i even had a conversation on msn with her, because she is calling em or messaging me almost every night for a week asking if i want to have dinner with her. she cannot even fucking handle eating alone! i told her that in this life...many of us are often alone. it would maybe do her good to try to become comfortable with being alone. she thought that was an incredibly ridiculous idea.
she also says that she is always making the same mistakes with guys that she gets into supposed relationships with. i suggested that maybe the reason why she rushes into these things is because she does not seem to ever want to be alone. that maybe she wouldn't rush into things with people she barely knows...and ending up miserable...if she could try to find ways of being happier alone. she also thought this was just plain preposterous.

i can no longer have any sympathy for her...nor do i want to hear about her "bad luck" with men...she says that she knows she keeps making the same mistake...solicits my advice, than pretty much calls me an idiot. i think the girl is going to have to stay at acquaintence level.

so even though i didn't really get to see just him, i had a fucking fantastic time friday night. but i do find myself almost just staring at him without realizing it. i feel like a fucking idiot. i do not want to have feelings like this for someone that i cannot even really communicate with. there is so much i want to know about him and talk with him about. and i cannot fucking do it. shit...it will probably be YEARS before i can... it sucks beyond comprehension.

their new place is hella cool. total cali. warehouse feel to me. i am so jealous.

i seriously need to get some art back iin my life. it has just been extremely too long since i have really created anything. it has gotten to be increasingly painful not doing so.

i think that next year will be really good. i could be proven wrong...but i have a slight feeling. in the very least, soon i get to go to louisville...which means getting to have my clothes and shoes here when i come back, among other things, getting a direly needed good haircut...that will hopefully grow out well...getting more of my photos and negatives here...and seeing people that i sorely miss.

for now, i just have to get through the holiday next week--hopefully i will be getting paid a little sometime soon, so that i can spend a bit during my week off---and then getting through 3 solid weeks of training in shanghai.

we shall se how it goes...as always.

"At this point in my life..."

From the beautiful and soulful mouth of Tracy Chapman. Thank you, Mama and Papa for introducing me to her work.

Maybe half of this somg...and more...is true for me right now. All I know is that I cannot seem to stop listening to it. Enough so that I felt compelled to look up the lyrics to make sure that I fully understood them to the extent that I am able right now...

I think that maybe I am not doing the best that I can, though... That needs to change.

"Done so many things wrong
I don't know if I can do right
Oh I...oh I
Done so many things wrong
I don't know if I can do right...

At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong...
I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me
I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance
I'll try

You see it's been hard road
The road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand
I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life
Just saying so you understand
Oh that right now
Right now I'm doing the best that I can
At this point in my life

At this point in my life
Though I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance
I'll try

You see, I've been climbing stairs
But mostly stumbling down.
I've been reaching high
But always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills
But I still have mountains to climb
oh and right now, right now
I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life.

Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget
At this point in my life

At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it

You see when I've touched the sky
The earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled
That in this world birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
Oh if you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside
And find and give you all the sweetness that I have
Oh at this point in my life
At this point in my life"

Vaguely Updating

I cannot believe that I have been here for almost a year now...it feels like it has been so much less and yet so much longer than that.

I remember when leaving Louisville to go to Michigan or wherever else for a week or two seemed so incredibly devastating to me.

I have become absolutely disgustingly burnt out on teaching. The struggles that accompany working with these crazy private language schools has just proven too much for me. There are so many ways that they could be better...but honestly, I am not sure that I have the energy left in my to attempt to facilitate any improvements.

I am still working on getting my TEFL certificate, even though I plan on doing everything that I can to avoid having to teach any more. However, knowing my weird, random luck, I want to have it just in case. If nothing else, it could mean a meager living and a way back to Louisville if I get that desperate.

Lately I have been all kinds of torn. I love it here...but I also find myself unhappy. I cannot help but wonder if I will ever find a place that I feel that I actually fit in. Maybe I am just feeling sick for the very familiar things. Maybe I just miss being able to go out by myself and run into people that I know easily. Yes, I always did get rather tired of always going everywhere by myself despite running into people...but if I go out alone here, it is rare that I will run into anyone I know. Chinese people rarely go for the purpose of meeting people. I miss havign my own doctor and not having to go to the hospital and wait in lines, not to mention having to recruit someone who speaks Chinese to go with me any time that something is wrong. I miss being able to go to even Kroger to get something for a cold or pain or allergy attacks..even dealing with a yeast infection isn't so simple for me here.

But here I have a friend call me because a couple of days before they thought that I looked a little down when they saw me. I actually get invited places. If I am hungry after 10pm, I can walk less than a block outside of where I live and get incredible, cheap food made very fast right on the street. I can ride my bicycle most places that I want to go and taxis everywhere else. I do not have to worry about paying for gas or car insurance. I can get all sorts of movies to watch for less than $1 US. I can feel perfectly safe walking around this city at any time of night.

I am just absolutely torn right now. It has been keeping me up at night.

I am supposedly starting a new job the first week of June. I am a little ambivalent about it, but I will have a try... It should be interesting. I am sure that I will learn a great deal in one way or another. It could open some things up to me. I shall see how it goes.

I began my Chinese classes last week. Already they have changed the teache ron me, but I think that it will work out. It is such a crazy language. My teacher says that I have great pronounciation. I do better than I had thought that I would with the tones...but only really on single words...or no more than 3 strung together. I am struggling with the tones when there are 4 or more strung together. But i have only had 3 lessons so far. Hopefully with practice it will become easier. I am also working on writing my first 7 characters. NOT an easy task. Amazing how effortless people make it look.

I am anxious to go back and visit. Anxious to bring back some creature comforts that I ignorantly left behind. I think that how I feel when I visit and when I return here will decide if I am going to make a real,m true serious go of having a long-term life here. It will be damn close to a year and a half at that point.

Part of me cannot help but feel that I will have failed if I go back too soon. Which is so silly and just plain ridiculous. But I do feel like that.

I also have absolutely no idea what I would do if I did move back to Louisville.

Not that I have any real idea of what the bloody hell I am doing here.

While I can appreciate being "unconventional," as Papa puts it...honestly, it sucks. My life is so unreparably twisted up at this point. "I wish that I knew what I know now...when I was younger. I wish that I knew what I know now...when I was stronger." But it isn;t so, and it cannot be. But it really sucks. Sometimes these facts keep me up at night as well.

I am not so sure that I am cut out for life.

It is always the same damn problems...lack of motivation, lack of energy, lack of drive, lack of vision...

Things that I have come to realize that I want...well, the realization was probably too late...and now I have to transition to accepting the fact that they will most likely never happen. Time just ticks away much too quickly.