.2.18.08. 18:45
saved in the form of a phone call. from someone I missed. who actually lives here. at least he does for the moment.
maybe the most ridiculously complicated ‘relationship’ that I have ever been involved in. but at least I know the situation from the in depth beginning of it all.
.2.19.08. 2:40
oh my gosh lucero. slow dancing.
so my apartment room on st. anthony place. starting college again, but no longer as an art student. but still so deep into it.
jeremy and I were all but quits when I moved into that house.
living there sapped and zapped me.
it was also too close to where I had lived with jeremy. within 5 minutes walking distance. it was so cold that winter. that was my 22nd birthday spent at the melody inn with him to see the teen idols. I think maybe the spunks played, too. that may have been the night I got my “Japanese punk sucks” t-shirt that I love…even though the writing has more than disappeared from it due to 5 years of various washings. he gave me that coat that I so adore. it hangs out still in my poor parents’ basement.
i have lived in some strange dwellings.
is anything in my life not a clusterfuck of the bizarrely random.
and then led zepplin comes on.
that was even earlier.
i was not yet twenty.
with my 1978 white “Vovo” station wagon. fucking shit I LOVED that automobile…oddly similar to a hearse.
i would listen to them on cassette. through my headphones speakers that my papa rigged in tin coffee cans on either side of the stick shift.
because the original ones in the door went out.
and to get even replacement speakers and do it ourselves was so expensive.
my hair was the longest it ever was. it was so hot that summer. late into the summer. i was finally in college. and I had one of three to four part time jobs working for “Vector.”
I sold cutco knives.
the most awesomest knives ever.
oh my. ladytron’s ‘seventeen.’ jamie.
aw, fuck, jamie.
the red lounge in its heydey. maybe before I wholly knew what she had gotten herself into.
oh jamie.
where did you go?
that was a nutty couple of years, too.
when was my last down time?
maybe every february for the past ten years…it has just taken me a decade to begin to try to learn how to productively use it. i am trying to be resilient.
it isn’t easy, people, believe me. and maybe give me a break every once in awhile.
but actually, I think some of you do give me a break. and I shall try harder to extend a little pale, slightly crooked, knobby, freezing cold hand to you.
2:53
almost 3am on a Monday. singing softly to me streaming from my laptop speakers and all sorts of hopefully danceable music emanating from the pseudo-living room.
maybe if I can write more of it down, I can let it go more. get it out of me.
i am going to maybe do a lot of word vomiting. prolly in a lot of forms.
maybe at times I will go all turkey vulture on you.
fuck. my ears still hurt too often.
2:56
i think sometimes I get afraid of sleeping. because I dream. and waking up becomes more and more difficult. those kinds of dreams that stick with you so much of the next day or five.
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