to my 'roommate'

i am offended
intrigued
confused
hurt
bizarrely lonely
right now

in my small, almost bare, living room sit from 8-10 people. most of whom i “know.”

i was not invited.
on a week night
i was not even told.

pot smoked from my lent pipe
and i always share
and i am not even offered.

it is one thing if 2 or 3 people suddenly arrive unexpected to me...
...it is quite another thing when it is 7 people...
anything more than 2 or 3 without warning is a rude offront.

i would never do that to you...
...why do you do it to me?
...why do i expect people to treat me as i would them?
wo ‘zhe ge ler’

yes. my chinese is pathetic. did you expect my hangzhouhua to be any better?

“why do you stare at me as if you had never seen a human before?”
apparently i do not appear to be human.
tonight i feel like i am being treated thus.

is everyone here really so thourougly two-faced?

maybe i put it all out there too much.

i wanted to live with this young woman
she said she wanted to live with me.
i told her i wanted to know her
i thought she wanted to befriend me
she had said she wanted to know me.

one night i told her i had a friend coming over that would probably stay the night
she said by the way, i have a friend coming, too.

mine left. hers didn’t.
the little old wife and husband
that are not boyfriend and girlfriend
but lives are at a glance intricately intwined.

my roommate has two roomates.
i live with 2 people, but i don’t have one.
i have friends in my living room...
but i don’t seem to have any friends.

i have never felt less of consequence before in my life as i do right now.

maybe the da ma
and the sprite very heavy with cheap chinese wine can help
and bending and twisting beautifully malleable wire

the knowledge that tomorrow’s time after work will be saturated with frozen margaritas
and some seemingly deeper friends.
my first mei mei.
i split the heart to give to her her rightful designated half.
she even gets the precious box
though i need to start a collection in this hemisphere.

so many strange material things constantly missed
catalogued in my troubled muddled puddley head
hoping that they will all still exist
and want to be found
...and hopefully easily transplantable...
upon my next return.

and so i am okay with it.
with everything...

...but next time...

some prior notice would be greatly appreciated...

i forgive because i appreciate your youth
...your lack of
decidely different
too much in unknown ways
experience

this time.

if it repeats itself in this way...i might cry...
and it might make me forced to make some changes.