for later1

predators, registry, tattoo them, articles done recently material, girl with the dragon tattoo

oh, crap, it's cold inside

another tuesday. forgot an remembered a lot.

was encouraged to write...then blogspot got overly stupid. kind of stumped it. maybe later now.

rounding or something

past 24, past 48, past week, month, fortnight, whatever... always changing ever staying the same.


china has way gotten into me and then some. but what would i even be were it not for being here?

a friend recently postulated to me ides coming forth from the physics community. a lot of what he conveyed to me through his own laymans' terms made sense. granted, i have yet to hear them in their original form, so i surely cannot pass them on at the moment. i hope to spread them someday if they turn out to be at all what i think i understood.

had my first brit the other night. funny how people will totally gun for me, but after they quite drop off. i'm generally not so bothered. wasn't this time either. just by the colombian in the recent past.
wouldn't have been nearly so bothered had he not so unnecessarily disguised his intent. that's really what pissed me off.  and it was so grossly not needed that his actions and words became simply disgusting and insulting. it's a shame that he had to show at the same place i've never been to before tonight.

at least with the med brit there was very lovely convo and lots of laughs fore and aft.

and i was so extremely sober. had drinks and other puffs. but was quite clear-headed. somehow made it a bit nicer. even the anticipation was a bit clearer and made it somehow that much more comfy. even at my enlargened state.

20 pounds in just a few months. damn. my poor little body. didn't know what the fuck to do with so many changes. my poor addled brain still hasn't quite caught up.

and it's february to boot.

cry two tears in a bucket, fuck it

or some such thing.

still rather terrified about going back. the louevil can tend to be a bit too tight. but it really has been poignently long (one thing i just can't autospell correctly).

still stupidly, pointlessly, unsatisfyingly pining. it would be lovely to have him out of my head. sadly realized that his face was in front of my inner eyes both when alone and then the next night with someone else in front of them. a song from the weepies and two from adele keep ringing in my internal ears.

it's almost grotesque how it won't go away.

before the holiday, i thought maybe distance would do. but no. then again, seeing him in the interim, while it was much desired, didn't help in the end. but still.

maybe if there are months or years in between face-to-face it will leave me.

nothing else will do. i want it to. i've tried. it's only gotten deeper. and i kind of abhor it. i certainly don't want to feel this, feel like this.

crap.

i need to work harder. but it's the writing that's biting me so much. THIS is how i essentially blog. stream of consciousness junk that i am quite sure next to no one actually reads. maybe i have a secret wish that someone will, but really that only manifests from a wish that someone will actually eventually care at all about what goes on in my head.

highly unlikely--based on previous experience--so i turn to vague bits of cyberspace and non-promotion.

at least there will probably always be big sunglasses.

my belated little life

so i haven't posted in well over a year. pathetic, i know. damn firewalls and government censorship.

finally broke down and got a paid VPN. so far, so good.

so everything has changed in the past year and a half, and yet absolutely nothing has. i looked at some of my older posts on here after posting earlier tonight on my alternate, "bitching" blog and noticed that what i wrote tonight was almost exactly the same as what i wrote on here a couple of years ago...only slightly more depressing.



headed back to Fuzhou tomorrow. not especially excited about it. kind of worried, considering nothing is for certain there. don't want to be there at all, but i am suddenly, unexpectedly in desperate need of a job. so i get to pack for possibly 25 days and ride a train for at least 5 hours into the undesirable unknown.

we shall see what happens.

recently got involved with someone (now i am kind of wishing that i hadn't let myself--there are reasons that i stay single and unattached...but even the best of us with the best intentions slip up from time to time) that has decided that i am far too negative.

i think once upon a time i was positive...just taken so many effing hard knocks lately that i seem to have lost it.

i want it back, but i seem to be blind to the light at the end of the tunnel. or simply disbelieving that it actually exists at all.



took the bus home after having a very late lunch/early dinner with afore mentioned guy. maybe 3 or 4 stops after i got on, a bunch of people boarded. there already weren't any seats left (gotta love overpopulation) so several guys made their way to stand in the back. one guy shoved past another and all of a sudden it was an all-out brawling fist fight. totally scary. after talking about loss of breathing over the meal, i ended up having to see one guy choking another literally right in front of me--one had the other laid out across the top of the seats in front of me. one poor girl got hit hard in the back and burst into tears. it was ridiculous.

this isn't the first instance of violence on buses that i have witnessed here. once it was even directed at me. why are people so crazy?

sheesh. it's going on 4am now. guess i should stop procrastinating about filling my suitcase and get over my disappointment but lack of surprise at not hearing from someone tonight.

have to accept my exile tomorrow. at least that's what it feels like.

but before that, maybe i can give myself a tiny bit of an ego boost by posting some photos a friend of mine took of me for my birthday back in november. hopefully one day i'll get my hands on the rest of them (well, when i finally buy a much-needed external hard drive, that is)

drowning in my endless frustrations

living in two places at once but feeling like i am nowhere

"i lost my baby
i lost my darlin'
i lost myself
i lost my mind"

lost too deep lost for too long

kind of difficult to figure things out when i don't even know what there is to be figured.

you can do a colon cleanse, but not cleanse your mind. not really. no way to get all the shit out short of a lobotomy.

i want to be myself again...but i don't think that i ever knew who that was.

how to get the happiness back...
how to go back there and bring it into the present...

i think that i finally win one thing...and then get too close to losing everything else.
over
and over
and over and over
and over and over and over
and over and over
and over
again

between a rock and a hard place and a cliff and a glacier

i want my loves back

maybe restart would be sweet

kind of just wishing for death right now. feels like i cannot get anything right. and it seems that mistakes are not allowed for me.

any time that i do anything vaguely wrong, i get hated for it. i am only human, but he seems to believe that i don't get any mistakes. though i always forgive him for any slip up.

i don't cheat. i don't intentionally hurt or harm. but i get hated anyway.

too much shit right now. too much failure. too many hopes smashed into nothing.

going on 30 but i have nothing to show for it.

half the people or more that i grew up with are getting married and/or having babies this year. the rest already have. but here i sit. probably alone because i cannot be perfect.

too many things that i cannot go back and change. too many years wasted. too much done that cannot be undone. stuck so deep that i cannot get out.

just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Parentheses by the Blow

fantastic song...kind of makes me want to find someone like this in my life.

Some philosophies fuel a belief in the self,
Constructed to keep one's goods on one's own shelf.
Built well you're a strong letter I,
With the feet on the ground and the head to the sky.
Now and then you can bend,
It's okay to lean over my way.
You fear that you can't do it all,
And you're right.
Even diligent day takes relief every day
From it's work making light from the night.

And when you're holding me
We make a pair of parentheses.
There's plenty space to encase
Whatever weird way my mind goes,
I know I'll be safe in these arms.

If something in the deli aisle makes you cry
You know I'll put my arm around you
And I'll walk you outside,
Through the sliding doors,
Why would I mind?

You're not a baby if you feel the world.
All of the babies can feel the world. That's why they cry.

魔术

yup. that's all i have to say at this particular moment.

it used to be tuesday.

damn. life just refuses to stop for anything at all.

and tool is so damn good. that is one band i for SURE discovered very late.
"listen to my muscle memory"
that concept of muscle memory fits all too well with this month...

and i just had to let go of the one geography and timing had to deny me the current chance of possibly having something...

but

life keeps happening.


"why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start things over."

this past 24 hours has, of course, been nothing less.

than usual.

long morning ride to work. ate a qing cai bao zi that was more bao than zi. [yes, i have said this to myself in my head more than once while eating the ones from that particular place]
milk tea with not enough coconut bits in it and chocolate milk from a bag.

fell dead asleep in the front seat listening to the static on the radio that was just above a whisper.

wrote until my hand cramped copying shit so i could try to memorize it on the train tomorrow.
emptied the erroneous wet glue from the paint bottles. the ayis cannot think that i am ENTIRELY insane. they giggle at me. they try to talk with me. do their best to try to understand my shattered chinese. they know that i knit a lot. they do, too.

shopped for lunch after taping together blue paper and making a calendar. i so wanted just the veggies from Ajisen-our noodles are psychotically overpriced-Ramen...but they appear to have a new menu, and my veggies aren't on it.

wandered about in carrefour. settled on some kind of food-stuff with the boiled cabbage you get with the noodles. dissappointingly bland choice.

fended off max. felt bad about it. but i didn't want to talk to him. i didn't have anything to say and didn't want to be asked the same questions as always and told the same things.

peeked around the e4 website. i really enjoyed watching skins. i think i will have to have another go more slowly and look forward to finding the second season.

thought about someone.


finished marking up the calendar.
went back to carrefour and wandered about looking for several different kinds of brushes. i think that the computer cleaner brush will be interesting for them to paint with.

rearranged a lot of paint. i enjoyed that.

if only tracy would get more of a clue.
i don't think that i would care to work at such a brand new place ever again unless it is my own new place.

left late. even though i asked in the morning if we could please leave on time because i was supposed to meet someone at 7. sent him a message at 5:15 [15 minutes "late" even though we are supposed to leave at 4:30] to push it back.

fell asleep in the car again.
having dreams in a car[s...as there is quite a vareity of them] 2--4 times a week is bizarre.
having the effed up dreams that i normally have made even more looney by being in a travelling car is...something else.

got home to my roommate and her roommate watching some weird american movie that i believe could be a recent as coming out next week or as long ago as a year.

too a disappearing-water pressure-but-hot-shower. dried. clothed. wore my little blue-flowered shoes [and now have 2 or 3 blisters on my left foot to remind me of how long is has been that i have neglected my poor pretty shoes] to go meet an acquaintance.

he met me with a bottle of wine in a very pink bag.

i had thought that we had agreed to meet for dinner. he asked me if i had eaten mine, and i said, no, i just got home half an hour ago.
he doesn't tell me that he ate an hour and a half before.
so i don't know that it would have been fine for me to say, no problem, i will eat later, or, i'm hungry, you want to sit with me while i eat.

so we go to some commercial, but all in hanzi noodle joint. well, there was rice, too, but my defectiveness cannot allow too much eating of rice. and i honestly do not know what my lunch was completely made of. i suspect a little white culprit.

i find out that he has eaten already.

he apologizes too many times.
things lag more.
sweet man...but.
i think of someone for about the 6th time today.

we go to the movie theater next door. i giggle and remark at the fact that i own and have seen 3 of the 4 western movies advertised. he brings to my attention what is apparently the 2nd of some nick cage movie. i don't recall having interest in the first...but whatever.

he buys tickets. i suggested seeing a chinese movie as i didn't care about seeing becoming jane a third time yet, nor atonement twice in one week.

we wait for the theater to open for our movie. he flips through a movie ad booklet on the table. he points out atonement to me in it. tells me this is what he bought tickets for.

i am pshysically unable to raise one eyebrow.

good movie, yes, but i saw it MAYBE 5 days ago. and while it is good, one of the characters really got me riled.

he apologizes profusely again. goes to change them to something else.
he comes back. it lags some more. i try. keep trying.

i just feel pretty blank about it all.

sweet. well-intentioned.
but nothing stirs.

we go in. words like, 'director,' 'produer,' etc. are translated into english, as is the title, though it uses a V for U.

but whent he movie begins there are no subtitles. which i had suspected. sometimes they say there will be none, and there are. sometimes they say that there will be none...and behold, there are none.

this time there were none.
i liked picking out words. i can understand more than i could one year ago. not much more...but "it does not matter how slowly you move as long as you keep moving forward."

it was a family mimi kind of movie.

about 20 to 30 minutes in, i look over and notice that my acquaintance is asleep. curious...but uh...okay.
i continue watching.

he startles. looks a little strange.
i ask if he is okay. he says his stomach hurts. i ask if he wants to go. he says no.
[we are sitting against the wall 8 seats in...and here i glow in the dark...]
he doubles over for a bit.

i continue watching.

i mentally prepare to crawl over 6 people.

we get out, i encourage him to get in a cab and go home and go to sleep so that he can be okay-hopefully-for his driver's test tomorrow.

i walk home in my cahoots hoodie and my pretty little blue-flowered heels.

i come home to my roommate and her roomate watching something. no one says anything to me...i have nothing to say.

i peel off my tights and put on my curtain pants. peel off my long white shirt and put my hoodie back on. crawl all over my bed, roll a true white chick--that would be a white boy without the tobacco--and commence to watching two extremely good movies.

i left out the phone call while messing with the paint. he said he had heard. that he doesn't think that i should be staying home so much. that now he had to go into a meeting but that he would call me again.

this person that i told what happened in a phone message and got no reply. a message where i actually used the words "need" and "friend."
this person who had a birthday night out and i found out that it existed from someone else after the fact on a night when i had gone out hoping to find some people

[even though i was with a person...but at that time needed more than one]
[even though i did come across CiCi who sang me a song putting BOTH my names here in it, even though he is not all about people taking chinese names]

and didn't find anyone that i felt i needed to find.

this person telling me that he doesn't want to have to worry about me. don't make him worry.

i don't know yet.

and i keep thinking about someone.

forgot long enough to want to play particular, specific music.

then i remembered that he was the one that brought my attention to them.
how cool that he did.

i feel like unfinished...and unstarted...conversations with him linger in the air.

moving

around to the other side of the world.

belated 锌年快乐

i spent our new year's eve this year in my bedroom.

sickness caught from a friend the week before snuck in to welcome the holiday time...
the decade old trauma kept me half-antisocial half out too much.

living vicarious explosions through my lens documenting bits outside my second storey window


***the videos i took apparently will have to be added later as the add video option is not being kind to me***

from my stationery in the past week or so 1.1

I will never
hardly
lie to you
and maybe
I can
not
lie for you
either.




work for backs of calves: in chinese hanzi-------
monkey/sagittarius




we are quite possibly...
amongst ourselves...

...more rawly giving...
selflessly giving..
...than more other '*people*'...
than we would care to consciously admit.

and
we
tend
to
intermitantly
kick ourselves
for this.
-ouch.

I can cook
garlicky enough
to give
a half-Sicilian
hurtish
HEARTBURN.
period.









even my own thoughts seem
to forget me


never part of any circle. i
am such a broken line
that never learned how to
curve smoothly.


"you make me
better"
could even be said
to my
dearest
frenemies
just
enemies



while I am not altogether
altruistic... I believe myself to
be closer to the known definition
(almost verging on scientific *wink*
) of that word than is the
average female of my
"limited" experience.








*t.shirt/button/etc./apparel

-"you will be photographed"

". . ."
"maybe"


"my friends get me sick
and i love them."










22:52 20 Feb 2008
Hei gen...sandwiched
pleasantly
images of
Alice's catterpiller come
to mind

smoking through
a straw again.

the foreigner in the suit with
carrying
the suitcases

didn't forsee him in time

our eyes managed
to meet
unspoken secret smile

an unknown dear friend's help on
an unexpectedly
beautiful day
perfect weather
bits of previously
unvoiced dreams bubbled
a bit over.

drool?


wo xian xin wo ke yi
i believe that...
get further
get past this

i can
get further beyond









dope n dusted --
electric
guitar

...progression...on a roll...

1. Ever kissed a brown eyed and brown haired person?
yes. more than one...

2. Can you see a phone right now?
my amazing cellphone. guaranteed to be more unique and definitely cooler than yours.

3. What are you listening to?
the 10+ people in my living room speaking mostly hangzhouhua and watching some american movie.
i wasn't even told that this many people were coming over...
and i know most of them...
but i wasn't told...much less invited...

4. Where is it coming from?
my living room...which is right outside the open door to my bedroom where i sit...alone...on my bed...filling out this survey thing...knowing that it is past 11pm, and i know that my roommate knows that i work early.

this is so extremely fucked up.

5. Last thing you ate?
the chicken and broccoli and green bean and snow pea garlicky stuff that i made for my dinner...and lunch and dinner tomorrow.

6. What was the last thing you saw on TV?
some weird game show kind of program that i couldn't understand much of.

7. Who was the last person other than family you saw?
neo when he came to ask me for scissors to chop up some pot to probably be put in the little pipe i lent my roommate...and i haven't even been offered a puff.

8. Are labels/stereotypes good?
they could be the root of much evil

9. What is your least favorite bill to pay?
all of them...this month it would be the insanely high electric bill. and i don't even have heat in my room.

10. Song stuck in your head?
there have been about 12 different ones today. currently there isn't one.

11. Acoustic or Electric guitars?
eenie, meenie, minei, moe...

12. Do you dance while getting ready for whatever?
i am constantly dancing. so, that would be a yes.

13. What are you wearing right now?
hang on, i have to look...

my beloved cahoots hoodie, a grey, lightly ribbed, longsleeved shirt, my maserati (the band, not the car) t-shirt, white long johns, underwear that is too much to explain, grey ribbed leg warmers, one black and grey sock with a newly broken hole on the ball of it, one light and dark grey sock, one too-big pinkish purple hand warmer that i knitted last month, one tight, pink, almost perfect handwarmer that i also knitted last month, the amazing stone necklace that demi gave me, my jie half of the heart i bought to give the other half to demi, and 3 small hair clips.

14. What is the greatest number of people you've been in front of?
thousands. my friend anson made me go on stage with him and the other 13 members of his random rock band for his university's 75th birthday celebration.
i live in china. there were at LEAST several thousand in the audience.

15. Have you ever taken a shower while crying?
oooooooohhhhhhhh yeah.

i do a lot in the shower...

16. Do you like Techno?
good techno.

17. Have you ever made out on a plane?
...i don't THINK so...

18. Do you have leadership skills?
yeah, but i am a total schizo, so while i have leadership skills, i make a terrible leader.

19. Can you play an instrument?
i have been known to go through periods of attempting to play things sometimes. maybe when i retire (hahahahaHA) i will finally REALLY take up the cello.

20. Have you ever sat on a roof and looked at stars?
oh wow, yes. several roofs have been committed to memory.

21. Ever done that while talking on the phone to a boyfriend or girlfriend?
most likely. or if not a boyfriend or girlfriend, then at least while talking to a lover on the phone.

22. Have you recently gotten someone pregnant?
not unless i am a hermaphrodite with a dual personality...and somehow manage to mentally hide the erroneous sex organ from the other half...hmmmmmmmmm

23. Are there any animals around you at the moment?
there is a very large plush pig in traditional mandarin chinese dress inn the little room that has my package taped-together desk and my drying laundry, a white stuffed toy dog from the world carnival hangzhou (which is actually in xiaoshan) that i found in my last apartment and for some weird reason kept, there is a squirrel from u of l wearing the u's shirt, and i think that i hung onto my two wooden kissing pigs (they have a string in between them that holds them together and brings them back when you pull them apart), so they must be around here somewhere...and as always, the insane xiao maomen are lurking around somewhere in the apartment.

24. Ever thought you were going to get married?
yup. and i did. and that was a really bad thing to do with that person, as it turned out. so i put a stop to it.
now i haven't a clue if it will ever happen again...
...and i am actually quite okay with that.

25. Last person who told you they loved you besides family?
a max

26. Favorite time of day?
the good times. how can i possibly have a favorite time of day? all of my days are so very different, and when they are not, they are exactly the same...

27. Favorite food?
ANYTHING FROM THE MENU AT ZEN GARDEN...damn, jeneane----shit, i so cannot spell your name----i had forgotten how amazing the food there is...

lately, i think that ma la tang and hot pot effing rule!

28. Cat person or dog person?
it depends entirely on the individual animal. right now my daily life is living proof of that.

29. Got a job?
good lord, yeah, i do.


30. Biggest regret?
you just really cannot go back and change a thing in the past. so i am learning as partially conditioning myself to let go of any vague regrets.

31. What do you want the most?
to be able to speak and understand mandarin chinese and hangzhouhua.

32. Do you want children?
if it is the right circumstance and situation...i would like maybe one. i refuse to go through a pregnancy alone, but if i really want one alone, i will have one. obviously the circumstances etc. are not in alignment presently.

33. Are you a lover or a fighter?
very much both.

34. Last time you had butterflies?
been having a panic attack off and on for the past 2 hours...i think maybe butterflies are like little panic attacks...

35. How is your mood today?
it has been maybe more all over the place than any other recent time...

36. What do you do all the time in a car?
lately, sleep and knit. the 'car' in am in on a regular basis (i ' ' car because the actual vehicle changes constantly...just when i think i know all of the cars these people have...another one appears)

37. Do you like anyone?
i like a lot of people...but right now i am not feeling very liked at all. i am quite hurt...

38. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
many times. i change my clothes a lot...though there are people that change more. i have also changed my clothes sitting in a booth at a club. layers effing rawk! so many possible combinations and arrangements...

39. Who was the last person to make you cry?
right now, my roommate and my acquaintances in my living room are making me want to cry.

40. When was the last time you cried?
probably going to happen at some point tonight.

41. What is one thing you miss about your past?
being able to drink water straight out of the tap.

42. What is one thing you've learned about life?
STILL LEARNING...yup...every day...so many things, so many different kinds of things.

43. Is anyone jealous of you?
don't know why anyone would be at this moment.

44. Has a friend ever used you?
more than one friend, more than once.

45. Has anyone recently told you that they like you more than as a friend?
yes.

46. Who was the last person you drove with?
xiaozhou, "amy", and "tracy" home from work today. but i haven't driven a car since the first week of december.

47. Why are you filling out this survey?
because i have nothing else to occupy me at the moment.

48. What was the last movie you watched?
nana. and it was fucking awesome.

49. What is something that you want to do within the next week?
drink margaritas tomorrow night and get fucked up and listen to fun music.

50. Who last messaged you?
ding ding sent me a picture of a chipmunk. completely out of the blue. it was awesome.

51. Is there anyone you are excited to see soon?
yup. get to see my friend young and my mei mei demi tomorrow night. at leats that is the plan...and you know what they say about plans...

52. Do you use post-its?
i like to, but there never seems to be any around.

53. Do you like gum?
i like this one kind of wrigly's they have here. it is yummy.

54. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
boys. for sure. has been that way since about 6th grade.

55. Has anyone ever talked about you behind your back?
in the days of twice told, my name was put in various writing on the walls of the "girl's" bathroom stalls more than anyone else's.

here, at times i am talked about behind my back in front of my face. i stand out like a very sore thumb and cannot understand much of what is being said, and it is obvious that there is a good chance that i cannot.

56. Favorite boy name?
i have a lot...i have liked the name logan and the name luke for a long time...but i know that there are many others.

57. Favorite girls name?
annika elizabeth mackenzie.

58. What's your biggest fear?
honestly...i am not quite sure about what i fear...nothing truly ever comes to mind when faced with this question.

59. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
AGAIN, I AM FEMALE!...hear us roar!

60. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
yup.

61. Are you a player?
i have my moments. sometimes there is a game to be played...if you play it well...and the other player is good...there can be momentary rewards.

62. Have you ever dated/fooled around with a co-worker?
yup. it is rarely a good thing afterwards...

63. Asked someone out in the past few months?
in a sense.

64. Name 5 of your favorites:
1. my amazing blue fluffly bathrobe
2. getting lovely high and dancing in a good shower
3. making stuff
4. cannot ever live without music. had i not heard any within 24 hours of being born, i would have shriveled up and died. thanks to my saundra taking me to concerts in the womb and surrounding me with beautiful things and my mama and papa being amazing and feeding me music.
5. deep connections...that are mutually sustained

65. Is something bothering you right now?
not any more...conversation with the one that really matters to me was had. there are people that maybe i should explain my extreme shyness to...and i need to get further over it. so i am now a bit bothered by myself...but i will work on that, too.

66. What is it?
that i need to work on reinforcing the outer walls of my insecurities so that they might diminish somewhat...and it is hard...

i need some more people that i can talk to.
or maybe i just need to try to talk more to people?

67. Is there something else you should be doing at the moment?
maybe sleeping...if i was THAT type of person. but i am virtually the only one at work tomorrow. so as long as i get there...it really doesn't matter if i am hungover or exhausted or anything.

68. If you could have one wish, what would it be?
to have my own bar/laundromat/cafe/art venue...
i guess, basically have a venue and be able to sustain myself on the proceeds...and do it in hangzhou.

that, and to wake up in the morning and find that i can magically speak and understand pu tong hua and hang zhou hua.

69. How is your hair right now?
idiotic, rebellious in all the wrong ways...too thin...in a word...just wrong.